Hello Again

I just realized it was a much deeper thorn burrowing in me than I was admitting. About two months ago, I stopped caring. I stopped caring about a lot of things and I'm aware of what triggered it. I for one was trying to carry too much weight and my spirit was broken. I'd gotten tired of waiting and my mind started slipping into all kinds of things. I haven't been myself; I haven't liked this new weird person I've been. I was letting walls fall, I was giving myself permission into things that really -- were falsehoods. It is so easy to get discouraged, to feel alone, or even to shatter. I didn't handle it well even if not another soul around me was feeling it. I ignored God. I told him to be quiet while I let my mind go back to things I once had overcome. I was even getting snuffy to what I know is true and what I've felt. Mad at the way Christians live and that I've done hardly anything to help those in need.

It's really sad that I've spent so much time in front of a computer screen. I think there's a lot of world that I'm not seeing, and that I daydream about constantly. I want to go, but I'm being a chicken.

I want to apologize for being something I'm not. For thinking that my mind is okay with certain things and that it doesn't do damage to anchor it to greeds, prides, and lusts. I should be fighting for my innocence and not being so discouraged that I no longer have hope. I have hope in the larger scheme of things, but when it comes to my daily life I can see I'm not so honest or trusting.

I'd like to have hope in the smaller aspects of my life that I face every day. I want hope in myself, not faith (I think I've got that covered, actually), but hope. When you have faith, you keep moving and going toward the goal. When you have hope, you know that the pieces along the way to your goal will also be in place. That not only will you meet your goal, but the road will also work.

A small but significant difference.