Hello Again

I just realized it was a much deeper thorn burrowing in me than I was admitting. About two months ago, I stopped caring. I stopped caring about a lot of things and I'm aware of what triggered it. I for one was trying to carry too much weight and my spirit was broken. I'd gotten tired of waiting and my mind started slipping into all kinds of things. I haven't been myself; I haven't liked this new weird person I've been. I was letting walls fall, I was giving myself permission into things that really -- were falsehoods. It is so easy to get discouraged, to feel alone, or even to shatter. I didn't handle it well even if not another soul around me was feeling it. I ignored God. I told him to be quiet while I let my mind go back to things I once had overcome. I was even getting snuffy to what I know is true and what I've felt. Mad at the way Christians live and that I've done hardly anything to help those in need.

It's really sad that I've spent so much time in front of a computer screen. I think there's a lot of world that I'm not seeing, and that I daydream about constantly. I want to go, but I'm being a chicken.

I want to apologize for being something I'm not. For thinking that my mind is okay with certain things and that it doesn't do damage to anchor it to greeds, prides, and lusts. I should be fighting for my innocence and not being so discouraged that I no longer have hope. I have hope in the larger scheme of things, but when it comes to my daily life I can see I'm not so honest or trusting.

I'd like to have hope in the smaller aspects of my life that I face every day. I want hope in myself, not faith (I think I've got that covered, actually), but hope. When you have faith, you keep moving and going toward the goal. When you have hope, you know that the pieces along the way to your goal will also be in place. That not only will you meet your goal, but the road will also work.

A small but significant difference.

7 Minutes: Free Write

Already thinking of film. Figured I should just scratch out some thoughts and see what happens. I'm in a bit of a strange transition. Just graduated. Not sure exactly of what I should be doing. Glad I'm going to graduate school and there's writing to be done. Could go to Latin America if I came up with a research majig on Latin America -- sounds kind of cool. Not sure I would ever do that, just thinking about that because that's what was entailed in my e-mail.

Film is kind of ridiculous. Spent the past four years studying it and after throwing myself into it this past semester, just really unsure. I mean, all that work and I feel like a crazy person even if people do say I was strangely calm and patient -- whatever. I haven't seen how this is worthwhile yet so maybe I should give it another chance, but seriously I just got my mind beat up. Guess I'll keep going because I have nothing else really to do. It's interesting to see what I can create in this little gap of time and see where it leads. These are pretty boring thoughts. I did just wake up so maybe my mind hasn't found any sugary awesomness yet.

I don't want to force it, maybe's there's times when forcing things is right. I usually don't think that way... forcing usually seems like you're trying too hard to make something seem right when I think things should naturally fall into place. Maybe this is some sort of sick philosophy I'm living by that could be destructive, or I don't want to be a control freak... maybe I've been studying literature too long and have found that I kind of like the idea that a character shouldn't die until necessary, or shouldn't be in a relationship till necessary, or that grapes are actually kind of tasty. There we go. That's more like a free write. I stay pretty focused and linear at times so this doesn't really work, but I'm an outlier in that my weird linear thoughts are typically on another plane altogether. Man, I sound pretentious. Need to do something about that. Probably get off my butt and do something.

There's so many problems in the world. It's so easy to be a naive little American girl who becomes all too altruistic. Not sure how I can really help out, if at all. I think I just need to tell stories whether or not they really make sense. Something like that. Birds.