Ten Minute Write

Writer's block. Almost like life block. You have all these thoughts swirling in your head but you just refuse to write them down. I'm not sure what causes this: maybe fear, insecurity, procrastination, realizing your thoughts are poop, for all I know it is realizing that your stuck in a project forever. I've been showing signs of this throughout the summer. I've even gone through older posts that I've made in my life and have deleted piece after piece of things I used to be.

I guess that makes sense; I mean at some point you pitch your old toys for new things, or just get rid of things altogether.

I am afraid, no lie. It's not that writing terrifies me, I think it's the audience or showing it to someone and they don't have any interest. I don't know, I've been through a lot creatively in this year and it's given me fear of...

being vulnerable. Something I don't especially like, but am willing to do. I think that's probably why I don't want to seriously write, because deep down I know I have to offer up myself to people's criticisms, misconceptions, and prejudices. Even my own. How I write reflects to a great deal of how I'm treating myself.

I feel like I was diva. Writing constantly. Trying to move people but not necessarily knowing what they may or may not have been going through. I feel pretty unappreciated, misguided, and just like I was in some sort of dense fog... all alone.

I didn't like that feeling.
I think I have a lot more to offer.

I guess I need to have compassion for my own talents even when they decide to shut down on me. There's certain people I miss, confusing problems, and the like.

I actually kind of want to slap myself silly right now because clearly I'm lacking perspective. There's so many hideous and heart breaking things in the world and you know, I want to charge after those things, be of service, and stop nagging on myself. Oh, I really do nag a lot to myself; I need someone to come along that I feel comfortable enough to do that to rather than keep pointing the blame, the stupidities, and the like on my own wee self.

I think this may be one of the more honest pieces of thought that I've had in awhile. I don't feel like I'm trying to run away, I'm just seeing myself, and not trying to freak out.

There's a few things I would change if I could. I have no idea what is in store for the future, but I think about it constantly. Maybe these past few months I've been trying to perceive that. I am terrified of a few things that are happening to people my age, like marriage, mountains of babies, and extraneous bills.

I don't think that's me. I don't want a lot of what everyone else wants right now.

I could afford to be more giving.