Lot on Mind

I didn't write any for my script today. I stayed up till about 5 AM reworking my "reporter Bradley" scene. Cheesiness level? Presumably high.

I plan to get up in the morning, take out the trash, and fumble my way through the day. Technically, summer school starts tomorrow.

There's a bucket of mystery floating around in my mind. You can decide what off-beat color for me.

I want to step into some new colored shoes and it's called, "How to be a more authentic Christian." These shoes are probably going to pinch a bit, or I guess more appropriately they'll be too big and I'll trip all over the place.

Where am I spiritually? If I'm being honest, most days I feel fresh about my faith and believe I only know so much with my finite brain. If I opened randomly to a passage I'm sure there's at least 50 words, concepts, places, names (especially if I went to Chronicles) that my mind has utter ignorance when it comes to understanding. I don't expect to know everything. I know I will screw up, tick people off, and also make an idiot of myself a time or two or so infinity plus infinity meets the Good, Bad, AND the Ugly.

2 AM thoughts are compelling.

I'm at the right place in the right time. I'm being spiritually fed in this community, as well as being taught how to be a servant and a friend. THAT is ideal when you are a student, and I think when I head out to [insert future] the past four years will be weaved into myself as a guide.

I don't necessarily want to focus on "where do I need to improve?" Because, I am a... uh... perfectionist-- dang it! I know it, you probably know it too. It can't be that surprising, but as wonderful as this quality is it can be a thorn in the side and sometimes I have to turn off that voice that says "Rewrite! Look for a new way! Blah blah blah..." And realize that A) I need a purpose if something needs to be improved upon B) God is the one who gave me life, and nothing but my ego, that thinks it can do things for itself, is what separates me from him.

Here's something basic that I tapped into this week. Christ was/is sinless. I know, a very "Hello, my name is Jennifer and I am five years old" moment. But no seriously, God created him without sin, because the rest of us came from Adam and Eve with carnal sin that's attached to us from the deception of Satan. The ONLY way to rid yourself of this sin is acknowledge that it is there, God knows it's there, you will fail, and above all we must trust that God has it handled because he loved us so much that he created an innocent being who loved us enough to carry our sins. We broke that innocent life, and still he loves us.

The Jews did not murder Christ, they handed him to the Romans. The Romans crucified Christ out of entertainment. Several multitudes died in this similar fashion proclaiming authority from God as savior. So the Romans didn't care. HELLO, are you getting it? The Romans didn't care about religion AT ALL, they would worship whatever the heck they wanted, but overall they wanted entertainment. Their complacent hearts, willingness to murder innocent people is what the false prophets and false teachers handed Christ into... and if you read the gospels one of the centurion's proclaimed that surely he was the savior.

Okay, so I want to be authentic. I don't want to be a complacent person my whole life living the ride from life to death. Jesus' own disciples had doubts; I will and you will too. These our the places we will grow and learn together. I am no greater than Thomas who asked to feel the holes in Jesus' hands. I am no greater than Peter who denied Christ three times. I am no greater than Judas who betrayed Christ. I am not above the sin. I am living in sin, no wait, I am dying in sin. This is a major epidemic that has plagued our beautiful world for a long time. But what I do with this cancer in my soul, how I trust God with it will above all keep me from turning into the hateful, judgmental, hypocritical, psychobabble of a freak that I believe we naturally want to be.

So, I hate when we laugh when someone does something peculiar. Whether it's how they are dressed, the way they talk, or their own faults.

I hate when I allow my imagination to guide me rather than God. I am excited to be in Heaven to see my imagination in purity without sin. At this point, it's like a graveyard of puddles with little rays of light.

Down with cliches that make no sense and have no real thinking behind or in it. Let's be conscious Christians who know our history, in both our self and in the world. Let's free our hearts of social sins. Let's be more than what sitcoms call us to be.

We are more than a tool. God gave us free will to live and love.