Over time I become more complex in my thought life. Aging will take place and much of what I know will be lost, like a black hole that leaves a stain throughout the entire brain.
I have no idea what kind of metaphorical language I just used because I somehow... whoa... combined the hyper-real with the real? Not even sure in the least.
Anyway, as a narrative extends through its storyworld it is inevitable that all the plot lines thicken. It branches off into so many possibilities that it becomes impossible to contain. The initial origin of the piece intrigues the audience because it's an introduction into a storyworld, something new, something ground breaking, and something promising. When the factors start adding up and directing you through that storyworld, that's when it becomes debatable as to whether or not the piece is actually of intelligence, value, artistic merit, and so forth. There's so many twists and turns and often times there's parts that we all enjoy, but if there's anything I know--
the end is the most important part.
I hate poor endings.
I hate them.
Dazzle me with stars, intrigue me with new ideas, and bother me with words. But if you don't know how to end it -- you're a joke, a farce, and nothing more than a loss.
We slave over how to introduce ourselves, how to write into perfection the most exotic hello... but what's the point if you don't know how to end?
Strong endings are rare and far between. If it doesn't resonate, if it doesn't answer with allowing more questions, if it doesn't -- spark interest -- then it was a coward, a bloody corpse of twirled up worms.
Why are endings so strange? Because it's not natural. Things are not suppose to end, but they do. Every person you will ever meet, will die (and at least once, as guaranteed by every religion). An end, when so ritualistically tied to the routine that keeps your ticking time bomb beating; an end, for when the flesh that's on your bones rots; an end, for when the final words are posted on your grave, the place you will stay longer than anywhere else in your entire EXIsTence.
People want their nuances, they gravitate to the new, the hope that there still is new and that they don't have to die to commitments. Delusional men tired of their faithful wives crave whores, secretaries, and their old friends simply because -- they can't face the news of a dead religion. Give me women, all the time, why stop? Why? Why? Why? What do you mean I'm tied down...
It's the flirtation of the beginning that people consume, that bleeds into their system that they desire at every turn. Screw this, I've seen it before, give me something new!
...and so the promise of a strong end? Nearly impossible, not just in literature, the arts, song, dance, rhyme, but every masterpiece of a relationship ever created on this spinning, vibrant globe. Why bring victory to something if you're doomed? Don't you feel trapped in knowing that it will end, that you are locked in--
These are just a myriad of thoughts on endings, but in my opinion: I loathe bad endings. Nothing more cowardly, nothing more ugly than a weak end.
The lack of a strong ending always asks the question -- what was it worth? Nothing?
Perchance.
P.S. You can always redeem yourself from a beginning, but an end?
Monday, July 5, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Questions
Questions make people apprehensive. I think it takes practice to be good at asking questions. I usually like to start with something so left field that people end up feeling comfortable in a hopelessly pointless conversation.
1. If you could be a number?
2. What is your favorite capital city?
3. If you were in an alternate universe where spinach people ruled the world, what social class would you be in?
4. How many shoes can you tie in a minute?
5. Do you like pancake batter?
6. If you were a piece of silverware what would you be?
6. Have you ever wanted to live in the jungle?
7. If you lived in the jungle with only one shoe, which shoe would you prefer: the left or the right?
8. Does the smell of gasoline upset you?
9. If you actually saw Big Foot would you tell anyone?
10. What's your favorite shade of blue?
11. What's your favorite kitchen appliance?
12. If you had a squirrel, what would you name it?
13. What's your favorite letter of the alphabet.
That will do.
1. If you could be a number?
2. What is your favorite capital city?
3. If you were in an alternate universe where spinach people ruled the world, what social class would you be in?
4. How many shoes can you tie in a minute?
5. Do you like pancake batter?
6. If you were a piece of silverware what would you be?
6. Have you ever wanted to live in the jungle?
7. If you lived in the jungle with only one shoe, which shoe would you prefer: the left or the right?
8. Does the smell of gasoline upset you?
9. If you actually saw Big Foot would you tell anyone?
10. What's your favorite shade of blue?
11. What's your favorite kitchen appliance?
12. If you had a squirrel, what would you name it?
13. What's your favorite letter of the alphabet.
That will do.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Quilts
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Thoughts for today: way unmotivated.
Not sure what to do with myself. I tend to find a little snippet of peace after dowsing writing from my fingertips. Wow. Way to be a dork.
I highly advise never burning anything to blu ray, especially with special features because you're going to be in for a looooooooooooooooo--ng ride.
So lets see, maybe it's just me but there's a few things that should be somewhat of annoyance for a twenty-two year old female. I usually don't feel safe to spiel about what ticks me off about the modern life and all its step-child cousins, but to be honest I have this pair of rose colored sunglasses super glued to my eyes and so I have been cursed to my own little world... to which contains about that much limit to its pissed off expletives. I think everyone is in their own little world though, I mean you only get to live as one being, please tell me that's true...
Lets get this straight -- because I do have a good life lesson here for anyone who has stumbled upon this haphazard -- just because someone is crabby, crabby pants, or crabby pants deluxe, don't let that bring you down. I've been down for about a week and I've been neglecting those who actually care about me. So, just because someone doesn't see you eye to eye or have a keen understanding of who you are, don't bother with them. They're too wrapped up into their own egotistical game and you know what, you're a whole lot more interesting than they give you credit, so keep your charms.
I'm tired of the scoffers. The selfish people. Those who think they own something. We are but only dust, and we will become dust yet once more. Say goodbye to the physical, pretty sure there's something beyond the happy little sky and all its friends, but just as it is something for my mind to tackle and appreciate, it's much more difficult for me to put into perspective. Maybe if I sponge up my mind and quit trying to rationalize with my own pithy words, my actual beliefs will come out rather than be squelched.
I forgot how much I love writing, even when all I throw out is trite. I feel bad for those who get in the way of my scrambling for words, I usually mean it quite sincerely, I think though that getting my thoughts onto something I can read back is far more medicinal than anything else.
Recognize, what a weird command. I hope you recognize... reckoner? Why am I listening to this song? Eh. Why not... just gimme gees an we be clubbin' now.
Why hello Mr. Dashing, have you seen Mrs. Apostrophing?
Thoughts for today: way unmotivated.
Not sure what to do with myself. I tend to find a little snippet of peace after dowsing writing from my fingertips. Wow. Way to be a dork.
I highly advise never burning anything to blu ray, especially with special features because you're going to be in for a looooooooooooooooo--ng ride.
So lets see, maybe it's just me but there's a few things that should be somewhat of annoyance for a twenty-two year old female. I usually don't feel safe to spiel about what ticks me off about the modern life and all its step-child cousins, but to be honest I have this pair of rose colored sunglasses super glued to my eyes and so I have been cursed to my own little world... to which contains about that much limit to its pissed off expletives. I think everyone is in their own little world though, I mean you only get to live as one being, please tell me that's true...
Lets get this straight -- because I do have a good life lesson here for anyone who has stumbled upon this haphazard -- just because someone is crabby, crabby pants, or crabby pants deluxe, don't let that bring you down. I've been down for about a week and I've been neglecting those who actually care about me. So, just because someone doesn't see you eye to eye or have a keen understanding of who you are, don't bother with them. They're too wrapped up into their own egotistical game and you know what, you're a whole lot more interesting than they give you credit, so keep your charms.
I'm tired of the scoffers. The selfish people. Those who think they own something. We are but only dust, and we will become dust yet once more. Say goodbye to the physical, pretty sure there's something beyond the happy little sky and all its friends, but just as it is something for my mind to tackle and appreciate, it's much more difficult for me to put into perspective. Maybe if I sponge up my mind and quit trying to rationalize with my own pithy words, my actual beliefs will come out rather than be squelched.
I forgot how much I love writing, even when all I throw out is trite. I feel bad for those who get in the way of my scrambling for words, I usually mean it quite sincerely, I think though that getting my thoughts onto something I can read back is far more medicinal than anything else.
Recognize, what a weird command. I hope you recognize... reckoner? Why am I listening to this song? Eh. Why not... just gimme gees an we be clubbin' now.
Why hello Mr. Dashing, have you seen Mrs. Apostrophing?
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Hello Again
I just realized it was a much deeper thorn burrowing in me than I was admitting. About two months ago, I stopped caring. I stopped caring about a lot of things and I'm aware of what triggered it. I for one was trying to carry too much weight and my spirit was broken. I'd gotten tired of waiting and my mind started slipping into all kinds of things. I haven't been myself; I haven't liked this new weird person I've been. I was letting walls fall, I was giving myself permission into things that really -- were falsehoods. It is so easy to get discouraged, to feel alone, or even to shatter. I didn't handle it well even if not another soul around me was feeling it. I ignored God. I told him to be quiet while I let my mind go back to things I once had overcome. I was even getting snuffy to what I know is true and what I've felt. Mad at the way Christians live and that I've done hardly anything to help those in need.
It's really sad that I've spent so much time in front of a computer screen. I think there's a lot of world that I'm not seeing, and that I daydream about constantly. I want to go, but I'm being a chicken.
I want to apologize for being something I'm not. For thinking that my mind is okay with certain things and that it doesn't do damage to anchor it to greeds, prides, and lusts. I should be fighting for my innocence and not being so discouraged that I no longer have hope. I have hope in the larger scheme of things, but when it comes to my daily life I can see I'm not so honest or trusting.
I'd like to have hope in the smaller aspects of my life that I face every day. I want hope in myself, not faith (I think I've got that covered, actually), but hope. When you have faith, you keep moving and going toward the goal. When you have hope, you know that the pieces along the way to your goal will also be in place. That not only will you meet your goal, but the road will also work.
A small but significant difference.
It's really sad that I've spent so much time in front of a computer screen. I think there's a lot of world that I'm not seeing, and that I daydream about constantly. I want to go, but I'm being a chicken.
I want to apologize for being something I'm not. For thinking that my mind is okay with certain things and that it doesn't do damage to anchor it to greeds, prides, and lusts. I should be fighting for my innocence and not being so discouraged that I no longer have hope. I have hope in the larger scheme of things, but when it comes to my daily life I can see I'm not so honest or trusting.
I'd like to have hope in the smaller aspects of my life that I face every day. I want hope in myself, not faith (I think I've got that covered, actually), but hope. When you have faith, you keep moving and going toward the goal. When you have hope, you know that the pieces along the way to your goal will also be in place. That not only will you meet your goal, but the road will also work.
A small but significant difference.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
7 Minutes: Free Write
Already thinking of film. Figured I should just scratch out some thoughts and see what happens. I'm in a bit of a strange transition. Just graduated. Not sure exactly of what I should be doing. Glad I'm going to graduate school and there's writing to be done. Could go to Latin America if I came up with a research majig on Latin America -- sounds kind of cool. Not sure I would ever do that, just thinking about that because that's what was entailed in my e-mail.
Film is kind of ridiculous. Spent the past four years studying it and after throwing myself into it this past semester, just really unsure. I mean, all that work and I feel like a crazy person even if people do say I was strangely calm and patient -- whatever. I haven't seen how this is worthwhile yet so maybe I should give it another chance, but seriously I just got my mind beat up. Guess I'll keep going because I have nothing else really to do. It's interesting to see what I can create in this little gap of time and see where it leads. These are pretty boring thoughts. I did just wake up so maybe my mind hasn't found any sugary awesomness yet.
I don't want to force it, maybe's there's times when forcing things is right. I usually don't think that way... forcing usually seems like you're trying too hard to make something seem right when I think things should naturally fall into place. Maybe this is some sort of sick philosophy I'm living by that could be destructive, or I don't want to be a control freak... maybe I've been studying literature too long and have found that I kind of like the idea that a character shouldn't die until necessary, or shouldn't be in a relationship till necessary, or that grapes are actually kind of tasty. There we go. That's more like a free write. I stay pretty focused and linear at times so this doesn't really work, but I'm an outlier in that my weird linear thoughts are typically on another plane altogether. Man, I sound pretentious. Need to do something about that. Probably get off my butt and do something.
There's so many problems in the world. It's so easy to be a naive little American girl who becomes all too altruistic. Not sure how I can really help out, if at all. I think I just need to tell stories whether or not they really make sense. Something like that. Birds.
Film is kind of ridiculous. Spent the past four years studying it and after throwing myself into it this past semester, just really unsure. I mean, all that work and I feel like a crazy person even if people do say I was strangely calm and patient -- whatever. I haven't seen how this is worthwhile yet so maybe I should give it another chance, but seriously I just got my mind beat up. Guess I'll keep going because I have nothing else really to do. It's interesting to see what I can create in this little gap of time and see where it leads. These are pretty boring thoughts. I did just wake up so maybe my mind hasn't found any sugary awesomness yet.
I don't want to force it, maybe's there's times when forcing things is right. I usually don't think that way... forcing usually seems like you're trying too hard to make something seem right when I think things should naturally fall into place. Maybe this is some sort of sick philosophy I'm living by that could be destructive, or I don't want to be a control freak... maybe I've been studying literature too long and have found that I kind of like the idea that a character shouldn't die until necessary, or shouldn't be in a relationship till necessary, or that grapes are actually kind of tasty. There we go. That's more like a free write. I stay pretty focused and linear at times so this doesn't really work, but I'm an outlier in that my weird linear thoughts are typically on another plane altogether. Man, I sound pretentious. Need to do something about that. Probably get off my butt and do something.
There's so many problems in the world. It's so easy to be a naive little American girl who becomes all too altruistic. Not sure how I can really help out, if at all. I think I just need to tell stories whether or not they really make sense. Something like that. Birds.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Directing
I really should have been using this resource more throughout the semester. I'm at work and it's one of the more slow days.
This has been -- a life. I don't know, but I know I've thrown myself into film this semester and have been able to face my own strengths and weaknesses. There's a whole universe I've learned this semester, and I don't think that will stop if I continue to pursue film -- although, I like to say I'm pursuing creativity. Film is one thing, but I've found that I start to crave music or a good book -- or a really stupid sitcom.
I'm glad. A little confused, but glad. I could probably afford to be more honest, humble, and -- I guess patient? Apparently, that's been working in my favor. I've taken a lot of time to be disciplined in what I know to be true and to practice it. I don't just mean in art, but real subsistence. There's wisdom out there, saintly knowledge, and somehow I'm getting it. I don't know how, but it's honestly what is centering me and creating all these swirls of intelligence. And... I didn't know this would be happening in my twenties so I'm really surprised and not sure what to do with my mind; I guess just let it be. But I'm surprised, I didn't perceive that I would be thinking the way I am today.
It's a mess of a world. I happen to be extremely blessed in my undertaking of life. I think the real reason why I want to go into film is because I want people to find new perspectives. It's as simple as that, but so I'm not being such a cheat I'll expand on it.
There's so much suffering, enslavement, destruction, and just all around hell on this spinning globe that I want people to be aware, to start thinking in new ways, and to be touched in their minds and hearts. I want to inspire people to take on challenging tasks and to go and help those who are -- completely screwed by the systems we've created. But it's not just the suffering, I want people to know the truth, real joys, and actual solid peace, not some sort of fabricated false peace, real peace. I want the world to know that there are people in Africa who are -- happy. That they have a unique perspective and that we shouldn't limit our understanding to just what our society tells us, but we should go out and explore the world, be affected, and to conquer prejudices we may have built to protect ourseleves.
I'm against hatred of all forms. And maybe it's a little nuts to have someone directing films with these kind of thoughts floating around in their minds, but seriously, this is how I want to be innovative with film. It's only a blueprint. But I don't think I can do anything to change those in power; but I can help influence individuals and communities with their own perspectives. And, coming from someone who basically gets story telling, I think this is -- what I'm gifted in doing. So yeah -- I think my creative mind wants to be set free to start affecting people through film in a positive way rather than some of the infamous foils of artisans.
I can't believe how well this semester has gone. This project instantly had momentum and things fell into place magically at times. I don't understand it. I know it wasn't all me, it was an effort by many people, positive attitudes, a blending of geniuses.
There's only a handful of days before the showing, and maybe I'll write on here a little more -- doubtful, but a nice thought.
I hope that you find -- truth.
This has been -- a life. I don't know, but I know I've thrown myself into film this semester and have been able to face my own strengths and weaknesses. There's a whole universe I've learned this semester, and I don't think that will stop if I continue to pursue film -- although, I like to say I'm pursuing creativity. Film is one thing, but I've found that I start to crave music or a good book -- or a really stupid sitcom.
I'm glad. A little confused, but glad. I could probably afford to be more honest, humble, and -- I guess patient? Apparently, that's been working in my favor. I've taken a lot of time to be disciplined in what I know to be true and to practice it. I don't just mean in art, but real subsistence. There's wisdom out there, saintly knowledge, and somehow I'm getting it. I don't know how, but it's honestly what is centering me and creating all these swirls of intelligence. And... I didn't know this would be happening in my twenties so I'm really surprised and not sure what to do with my mind; I guess just let it be. But I'm surprised, I didn't perceive that I would be thinking the way I am today.
It's a mess of a world. I happen to be extremely blessed in my undertaking of life. I think the real reason why I want to go into film is because I want people to find new perspectives. It's as simple as that, but so I'm not being such a cheat I'll expand on it.
There's so much suffering, enslavement, destruction, and just all around hell on this spinning globe that I want people to be aware, to start thinking in new ways, and to be touched in their minds and hearts. I want to inspire people to take on challenging tasks and to go and help those who are -- completely screwed by the systems we've created. But it's not just the suffering, I want people to know the truth, real joys, and actual solid peace, not some sort of fabricated false peace, real peace. I want the world to know that there are people in Africa who are -- happy. That they have a unique perspective and that we shouldn't limit our understanding to just what our society tells us, but we should go out and explore the world, be affected, and to conquer prejudices we may have built to protect ourseleves.
I'm against hatred of all forms. And maybe it's a little nuts to have someone directing films with these kind of thoughts floating around in their minds, but seriously, this is how I want to be innovative with film. It's only a blueprint. But I don't think I can do anything to change those in power; but I can help influence individuals and communities with their own perspectives. And, coming from someone who basically gets story telling, I think this is -- what I'm gifted in doing. So yeah -- I think my creative mind wants to be set free to start affecting people through film in a positive way rather than some of the infamous foils of artisans.
I can't believe how well this semester has gone. This project instantly had momentum and things fell into place magically at times. I don't understand it. I know it wasn't all me, it was an effort by many people, positive attitudes, a blending of geniuses.
There's only a handful of days before the showing, and maybe I'll write on here a little more -- doubtful, but a nice thought.
I hope that you find -- truth.
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